who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
