**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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