Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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