I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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