Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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