You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
