If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
