can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
