I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
