3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
