I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
