i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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