This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
