I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
