i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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