I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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