You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Come see our sink grown plant.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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