Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
