Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize