oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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