i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
