Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
smell my finger.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
