my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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