I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
