so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
