He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
