This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
