I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
