i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
