So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
