I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
