Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
