woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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