I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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