I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
