oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
