the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
