who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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