just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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