peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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