Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
