Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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