I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
