Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
