So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
