My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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