I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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