He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
