Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
