My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish I only lived at night.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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