cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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