My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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