i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
