I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
