I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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