If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
