the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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