If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
