when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
