i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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