...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
